In spite of my previous post (or perhaps supporting what I wrote in my previous post) about myself- I am once again going to post about myself- surprise surprise.

Over the last two months (ish) I have been feeling quite down and out of spirits- I have been unmotivated and most of the time I am disinclined to do anything- I find myself forcing myself to go to church, bible study, see friends, go to work, etc. I just want to be alone and not be around other people. It's not like me- I haven't been like this in about 3-4 years- I was like this for about a year or so during uni but I got a kick up my backside and remedied the situation. I have absolutely no idea as to why I have been like this but I decided about a month ago that enough was enough and have started eating heaps of fruit and walking a lot. This seems to have worked to some degree but I have found myself getting teary at the stupidest, lamest things. I don't do the whole crying thing- I really don't- my family calls me the Ice Queen but lately (although not in front of others of course- I don't do that either) I have been getting all misty eyed. For example I was driving my car about a fortnight ago and a song came on (Butterfly Kisses) and about halfway though the song I was bawling like a baby.

One of the problems is that I know of some of the reasons why I am down and when I try to pray for these things- I cant do it honestly- I found myself asking God to help me accept his will for my life but I didn't really mean it I want God to change his mind for me, so that things work out for me, so I ended up not praying and because I haven't been praying properly I am less inclined to want to do what God wants.

Anyway the other night after crying myself to sleep for the third night in a row I decided to pray honestly for the first time in a while and asked God to help me want to accept His will and to make my life something that will bring Him glory - I DID NOT PRAY THAT THIS WOULD HAPPEN I PRAYED THAT I WOULD WANT THIS. It is really difficult. I have only ever had this once before and it was a struggle because I COULD NOT pray that my step mother would become a Christian because I didn't want her to be one- I didn't believe that she deserved to be one and I couldn't honestly pray for her. Once again I had someone kick me for that one too and got over myself (because obviously I deserved to be a Christian) and got over it.

Enough rambling and moaning- I am just going to keep existing until I can force myself into actually living and being a human again- shouldn't take too long- fruit is really helping- this moan and groan is after three weeks of fruit- imagine what I was like before that

I, I, I me, me, me

I, I, I, me, me, me. What am I doing at the moment, why are things happening to ME Why aren't things happening to ME. I, believe it or not am not trying to write a post about ME this is about selfishness although at the moment those two things seem to be synonymous. It has come to my notice lately that I keep trying to make things about myself. In my prayers especially I have often found myself thinking things like "its not fair" and "why are things happening to me?"
I try to be unselfish in my prayers but end up saying things like "I pray that I will accept God's will for my life" and that God will... whatever it is that I am asking. I always thank God for sending Jesus but in my head it is so that I will be able to go to heaven.

I, I, I, me, me, me.

In this post I mentioned myself 31 times pathetic really