Life the Universe and Everything

So why is it that what I really want in life is denied to me? Alright so boo hoo poor me call the waa-mubulance.

I have been having my cousin and her 19 month old baby staying at my house for a few days and it has just reinforced my absolute desire to have children all of my own- it is all I have ever wanted- when I was younger people would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up I would answer 'a mum'. At 17 I was almost given the opportunity to 'adopt' another of my cousins daughter (well mum was going to take her and then I would be the one to raise her and eventually adopt her) but we made the decision (well it was made for me) that she was going to stay with her mother.

Throughout adolescence and young adulthood it was a constant challenge to me to remember that I needed to squash that desire for several reasons particularly because of what the Bible says about it.

It has been constantly in the back of my mind over the years and occasionally gets dredged up every New Year and when I am feeling particularly down and depressed. But these last few days with this baby have been a real challenge to my head.

My prayers at the moment have been full of tears and questioning why? Why is it that the one thing you desperately want I cant have? Why is it that God chooses to deny those things? I want to trust God and rely on Him and to wait for His timing but it is SOOOO HARD! I sometimes think about it and get so angry. I have always thought that it is best for a baby to be raised with both parents and wanted to wait for a partner- this became a husband as I became a Christian but the temptation lately has become overwhelming.

I know I am moaning at the moment but I don't understand why it is such a challenge to me? I want to have God as my ruler and I know (in my heart?- or is it my Head) that there is a reason why I am where I am at this point in my life but how long should I wait? I actually can't wait forever (physiologically) and I want children (how selfish is that!!!) I want to be a mother with all I have- why is it denied to me?

All right enough whinging and being down about it- obviously I have to deal with this and until that point in my life (if it ever happens) that God decides that I will have children I guess I just have to keep fighting myself and God about it.

These are the ramblings of a depressed whinger and I am not usually like this- it doesn't always feel like a crushing weight or a giant wave crashing down on me and this too shall pass.

I am probably also being weirded out because of my friends wedding next week- I am really happy about it and for her but I know that in the next year or two she will be pregnant and having children of her own and I don't begrudge her that- I guess I am just jealous or something

All right- dropping the issue now

And so...

Graduation. Year 12 1997.

The music began, I immediately recognised the tune and automatically the words started running through my head. I sat wondering what relevance this song had to graduation. Then I heard the new and improved lyrics that a 17 year old had made up. It should have been: "And so this is Christmas..." Instead it was: "And so this is living and what have we done, the old days are over, the new ones just begun".At the time I felt slightly ill- not because of the significance of the words but because I thought they were they were so tacky and ridiculous. I wust confess that the words didn't really mean much to me- I was already an adult, after all had already moved out of home (and moved back home again) and the people in my life were there to stay.

Within one year I had changed directions in my life at least 3 times, had stopped speaking to my best friend and had fallen in and out of "love" twice- funnily enough= I don't remember their names. The grown up life wasn't easy!

During the following 2 years, I made a host of different 'acquaintances' who I believed were friends and had one major crush that lasted for the whole time (and a little bit longer) It was during this time that I started taking on board some of the challenges of being a Christian. I realised that there was more to life than myself - social justice played a large part in my beliefs and ministry. Now I was grown up for sure

After training and gaining my TAFE qualifications, once again a change in goals seemed necessary- I moved in with my dad and went to uni. Once again I was certain I was grown up. It was there at uni that I made some genuine friends again- I had been in isolation and seclusion for too long. I rekindled a friendship with a friend from high school and formed friendships with a few other people- I stopped going to church. I felt lefty out and awkward- I didn't want people to feel obliged to be my friends. Once again I developed a 'liking' for someone Once again nothing came from it. I thought "so this is what being a grown up is all about" Life and ambition seemed perfectly clear to me. - I couldn't understand why it had taken so long for me to grow up.

Work was the next logical step- thats how it goes- you study then you work. For once I didn't have to fight for this- it was handed to me- I couldnt believe it! I had been targeted- only about 900 people got targeted that year across NSW between preschool and year 12- I was one of three from my uni- I was very excited.

So here I am, 3 years later, I am 27 - surely I must be grown up now, I mean I have a full time hob, several debts (a very grown up thing I am told) and own a car: ALL GROWN UP THINGS!

So why do I feel so insignificant? I mean adults are confident, strong willed, sure, steady, reliable- aren't they? That's what I used to think about adults- now that I am one - I am still waiting for that magic wand to wave and I will be confident, beautiful, faithful, married, a mummy, a teacher- all of the things that make a person worth something- well at least I know that as I am a teacher- I am 1/6th of an adult- so let me see- I was 25 when I got my job as a teacher so 25 x 6 = 150. Judging by those calculations I should finally be an adult when I am 150 years old- Easy!!!

Obviously what I really lack is patience, however I have a particular aversion to praying for patience- it is the 2nd most dangerous thing a person can pray for in my opinion- the 1st one being wisdom.

Someday I expect I will grow up.

"And so this is living, and what have you done, the old days are over then new ones just begun..."

!!! HAPPY NEW YEAR !!!