In spite of my previous post (or perhaps supporting what I wrote in my previous post) about myself- I am once again going to post about myself- surprise surprise.
Over the last two months (ish) I have been feeling quite down and out of spirits- I have been unmotivated and most of the time I am disinclined to do anything- I find myself forcing myself to go to church, bible study, see friends, go to work, etc. I just want to be alone and not be around other people. It's not like me- I haven't been like this in about 3-4 years- I was like this for about a year or so during uni but I got a kick up my backside and remedied the situation. I have absolutely no idea as to why I have been like this but I decided about a month ago that enough was enough and have started eating heaps of fruit and walking a lot. This seems to have worked to some degree but I have found myself getting teary at the stupidest, lamest things. I don't do the whole crying thing- I really don't- my family calls me the Ice Queen but lately (although not in front of others of course- I don't do that either) I have been getting all misty eyed. For example I was driving my car about a fortnight ago and a song came on (Butterfly Kisses) and about halfway though the song I was bawling like a baby.
One of the problems is that I know of some of the reasons why I am down and when I try to pray for these things- I cant do it honestly- I found myself asking God to help me accept his will for my life but I didn't really mean it I want God to change his mind for me, so that things work out for me, so I ended up not praying and because I haven't been praying properly I am less inclined to want to do what God wants.
Anyway the other night after crying myself to sleep for the third night in a row I decided to pray honestly for the first time in a while and asked God to help me want to accept His will and to make my life something that will bring Him glory - I DID NOT PRAY THAT THIS WOULD HAPPEN I PRAYED THAT I WOULD WANT THIS. It is really difficult. I have only ever had this once before and it was a struggle because I COULD NOT pray that my step mother would become a Christian because I didn't want her to be one- I didn't believe that she deserved to be one and I couldn't honestly pray for her. Once again I had someone kick me for that one too and got over myself (because obviously I deserved to be a Christian) and got over it.
Enough rambling and moaning- I am just going to keep existing until I can force myself into actually living and being a human again- shouldn't take too long- fruit is really helping- this moan and groan is after three weeks of fruit- imagine what I was like before that
Over the last two months (ish) I have been feeling quite down and out of spirits- I have been unmotivated and most of the time I am disinclined to do anything- I find myself forcing myself to go to church, bible study, see friends, go to work, etc. I just want to be alone and not be around other people. It's not like me- I haven't been like this in about 3-4 years- I was like this for about a year or so during uni but I got a kick up my backside and remedied the situation. I have absolutely no idea as to why I have been like this but I decided about a month ago that enough was enough and have started eating heaps of fruit and walking a lot. This seems to have worked to some degree but I have found myself getting teary at the stupidest, lamest things. I don't do the whole crying thing- I really don't- my family calls me the Ice Queen but lately (although not in front of others of course- I don't do that either) I have been getting all misty eyed. For example I was driving my car about a fortnight ago and a song came on (Butterfly Kisses) and about halfway though the song I was bawling like a baby.
One of the problems is that I know of some of the reasons why I am down and when I try to pray for these things- I cant do it honestly- I found myself asking God to help me accept his will for my life but I didn't really mean it I want God to change his mind for me, so that things work out for me, so I ended up not praying and because I haven't been praying properly I am less inclined to want to do what God wants.
Anyway the other night after crying myself to sleep for the third night in a row I decided to pray honestly for the first time in a while and asked God to help me want to accept His will and to make my life something that will bring Him glory - I DID NOT PRAY THAT THIS WOULD HAPPEN I PRAYED THAT I WOULD WANT THIS. It is really difficult. I have only ever had this once before and it was a struggle because I COULD NOT pray that my step mother would become a Christian because I didn't want her to be one- I didn't believe that she deserved to be one and I couldn't honestly pray for her. Once again I had someone kick me for that one too and got over myself (because obviously I deserved to be a Christian) and got over it.
Enough rambling and moaning- I am just going to keep existing until I can force myself into actually living and being a human again- shouldn't take too long- fruit is really helping- this moan and groan is after three weeks of fruit- imagine what I was like before that
posted by Mel M at Saturday, March 10, 2007
1 Comments:
Hi Mel,
Good to see you are posting away.
I know how you feel about that sort of stuff and for me at least it helps to be a little selfish. Certainly not in ungodly proportions but just treating yourself and trying to keep lots of fun things in your calendar.
For example, if you read my blog you will see that I went on a holiday recently. Nothing special but it was lots of fun. Imagine, say that you wanted to go to NZ, even just the planning stage of the holiday is awesome and exciting.
This may not help at all but I just thought I would share what I have found out about myself.
Stu
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