The First Move
I have been involved in about five conversations in the last fortnight (and more in the last few months) about who should make the first move when beginning a relationship- guys or girls. I have not posted anything about relationships deliberately until now for various reasons and am reluctant to do so now.
This is a subject that I am sure will annoy many people who read it and as I have had conversations about this to some of you already I know where you stand about this.
So, who should make the first move? The traditionalists would say that it is up to the male to do so and I know many, many girls who think so as well (and yes, even a few boys), your modern people would say that it is up to both/either party to do it. There are also the other questions that come into play- should you do it only if you KNOW the other person is interested? Do you do it if you know they are definately NOT interested? Is it dishonest not to tell them? Is it too much to tell them? I dont know the answers- I know that for me personally, I will never make the first move- too risky. that said, I also dont think it should be up to the guy totally- it is a bit of a Catch 22 situation really.
Like I said- it is up to the individual person- I dont have an objection to girls making the first move- if they can do it FANTASTIC, I have had conversations with guys who have informed me that it is just as difficult for guys as it is for girls. I am sure that I may annoy people by my comments and this is not meant to. Once again it is my opinion I am expressing and I welcome those of others
This is a subject that I am sure will annoy many people who read it and as I have had conversations about this to some of you already I know where you stand about this.
So, who should make the first move? The traditionalists would say that it is up to the male to do so and I know many, many girls who think so as well (and yes, even a few boys), your modern people would say that it is up to both/either party to do it. There are also the other questions that come into play- should you do it only if you KNOW the other person is interested? Do you do it if you know they are definately NOT interested? Is it dishonest not to tell them? Is it too much to tell them? I dont know the answers- I know that for me personally, I will never make the first move- too risky. that said, I also dont think it should be up to the guy totally- it is a bit of a Catch 22 situation really.
Like I said- it is up to the individual person- I dont have an objection to girls making the first move- if they can do it FANTASTIC, I have had conversations with guys who have informed me that it is just as difficult for guys as it is for girls. I am sure that I may annoy people by my comments and this is not meant to. Once again it is my opinion I am expressing and I welcome those of others
posted by Mel M at Monday, September 26, 2005
11 Comments:
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Put it this way, what if you really liked someone? How would they know? Maybe they are not keen to make the first move. SO if you did nothing then nothing would happen. Would you be upset if someone else made a move on them and they are now together?
This thinking could be used in all sorts of area. Like someone was telling me about a place they wanted to buy. They didn't want to make an offer, as the person may have accepted it, and if they waited they may have been able to get it for a better price. I said to them "how much do you really want this?. Would you be unhappy if someone else came along and made an offer and got the place?".
PS you need to turn on the "Show word verification for comments?" so you don't get spam.
Deleted more rubbish mail and thanks Steve I have put on word verification
What if, after all of that thought, the risk is still to great. That analagy you gave works except for one thing- this is about people- not property- there is no personal risk involved in property- there are other risks but it is different. I am assuming that for most people, if you are considering asking someone out then you have taking the time to get to know them (unless as Richard said in the sermon it was a "love at first sight" thing. So there is risk that you will ruin a friendship as well as the risk of uncomfortableness (or even discomfort) or even outright rejection. I suppose if I were certain without a shadow of a doubt that the other person was interested then I might make some sort of advances- once again this is just me- I think it depends on the individual people and also how you think they would take it. Some people I have known take it exceptionally well while others have completely ruined any chance for a friendship of any kind with the person.
What I was saying can be applied to both. I meant that if it's something that you want you can either try, but if you don't and someone else takes it then you only have yourself to blame - so you should be prompted to do something or wear the result.
So, if you are friend (or may have ended up friends) with someone and you ask them out and they decline. And because of you asking them they don't want to be your friend anymore. My question would be "What sort of friend where they in the first place?". I mean, you are friends, and you think hey, I like this person even more than a friend. Is this not a compliment? Is not the purpose to end up getting married, thus spening you life with them?
Ok, so if they said no, you will get upset - because of rejection. You can understand this, probably you (not you, but anyone) have asked or thought about someone and asked yourself "would I like to be with them" and the answer was no. So if someone does this to you, they have their reason, as you had yours.
And what's with this going from zero to full speed thing? You like someone (in this example well will assume that they are someone you have just met). So naturally you should spend some time with them to find out what they are like. This may be with outher people. If things are good, then you may ask for one on one time. Then progress from there. Along the way there are point to opt out of the realtionship or to change it - up or down. You wouldn't go up to someone and ask them to marry you. There would not be too many yes replies.
Relationships need to grow.
I am not arguing with your point- I was just saying that personally, I would think that losing them was the lesser of evils than having them know and not return the feeling- if they are interested in someone else then it is a pointless exercise to let them know- I just am not the person who will do it- please do not misunderstand me- I am not complaining about it- I think it is up to individuals and I understand that by taking my stance I may miss out on stuff but to me I would prefer that to putting it all on the line.
As for who does the asking, well I think that in most cases the guy should ask. It is supposed to be his role in the relationship to take the initiative, so, it should be the same in instigating the relationship.
That being said, I think there are a couple of exceptions. Sometimes the guy just doesnt know the girl likes him and wouldnt have even thought about it if she hadnt asked.
I forget the other one I was thinking of, I am sure it will come back to me.
As for people not getting weirded out. I fully agree, you would think that people would take being asked out as a compliment, some do, but believe me, many do not. Friends (girls I have been keen on)I have asked out have taken months, possibly even years to have the friendship come back to the way it used to be after being asked out. I guess from their point of view, the seemingly innocent friendship had alternate motives and how does the person deal with a friend who likes them?
This is a hard rubber-hits-road topic because so many people deal with the whole thing rather poorly from my experience.
I still think it depends on the people involved- some people are quite fortunate to be able to take the initiative and others cant bring themselves to do it and some people are able to say that even though the person was not interested in them they remained friends- I mean I think there will always be discomfort in those situations (often just the knowledge that they know is enough) no matter how good the other person recieved it well- I know personal experience must be taken into account and I believe you when you say a lot of people take it badly- but some do not- I think it would be a great compliment and that people should take it that way- even though they dont.
Sounds like you are agreeing with me Mel!
On some points I am- I think that it should be a compliment though I think that your experiences are harsher than many- mine included. I dont know if the majority of people/ girls are like that- if they are then they are not worth your time and effort and especially pain.
I think they are worth my time and effort.
I guess if everyone involved was a little more understanding where others were coming from it might be better. I guess maturity helps in this area.
Dont think I want to write more.
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