Huh???
Ok, it doesnt come very naturally to me to be very open and to let people into my life but I will try my hardest, so here goes:
Lately I have been looking at the last year and thinking about the changes that have occurred in my life- man- I am a completely different person to that dowdy person I once was. I am actually quite embarrassed about how I dressed then. It is not just about my looks and clothes however- my personality has changed so much that sometimes I don’t recognise myself. I have much more confidence since beginning work and due to a license and a car- I actually have friends and a social life- I am busy almost every weekend and am slowly but surely building up some confidence in myself and my abilities. I still have a long way to go, particularly with my thoughts about myself (very negative at times) and about how other people view me- it will take a long time to get over these views of myself- I always assume the worst of myself- that I am annoying, people are putting up with me (my absolute worst fear!!!) This, I believe, is actually mistrusting other people- I don’t know.
In all of this though, I am able to look at and I emphasise the importance of prayer- I cannot take any credit for the positive changes I am able to see in me. About a year ago, I prayed that God would help me to make friends and to be able to encourage others. Before this I was somewhat of a recluse- I had a few friends but was at that point not going to church or bible study or anywhere that I was hanging around other Christians- this is not because I didn’t like them it was that I was so worried that I was annoying them and could not keep up a conversation with people that I just stayed home. I told myself that I was enjoying watching t.v and stuff. After praying about this and being genuinely upset about it (and also after a long period of time before I actually prayed- duh- would have saved a lot of heartache and trouble) I began to want to be with others- I started going to a Bible study group who welcomed me in and made me feel useful and began to hang around with people on a Saturday night. I can only thank God for his love and for giving us Christian brothers and sisters and also thank everyone who has called me or asked me to hang out. I still pray that I am not a burden on people and that I am not someone who people have to try hard to love and get along with. I also pray that if I am, people will tell me- even though it will hurt beyond belief- people will tell me.
I still have a long way to go and I don’t think I will ever shake these feelings, but I do try to ignore them more now and not to let them ruin my life.
Lately I have been looking at the last year and thinking about the changes that have occurred in my life- man- I am a completely different person to that dowdy person I once was. I am actually quite embarrassed about how I dressed then. It is not just about my looks and clothes however- my personality has changed so much that sometimes I don’t recognise myself. I have much more confidence since beginning work and due to a license and a car- I actually have friends and a social life- I am busy almost every weekend and am slowly but surely building up some confidence in myself and my abilities. I still have a long way to go, particularly with my thoughts about myself (very negative at times) and about how other people view me- it will take a long time to get over these views of myself- I always assume the worst of myself- that I am annoying, people are putting up with me (my absolute worst fear!!!) This, I believe, is actually mistrusting other people- I don’t know.
In all of this though, I am able to look at and I emphasise the importance of prayer- I cannot take any credit for the positive changes I am able to see in me. About a year ago, I prayed that God would help me to make friends and to be able to encourage others. Before this I was somewhat of a recluse- I had a few friends but was at that point not going to church or bible study or anywhere that I was hanging around other Christians- this is not because I didn’t like them it was that I was so worried that I was annoying them and could not keep up a conversation with people that I just stayed home. I told myself that I was enjoying watching t.v and stuff. After praying about this and being genuinely upset about it (and also after a long period of time before I actually prayed- duh- would have saved a lot of heartache and trouble) I began to want to be with others- I started going to a Bible study group who welcomed me in and made me feel useful and began to hang around with people on a Saturday night. I can only thank God for his love and for giving us Christian brothers and sisters and also thank everyone who has called me or asked me to hang out. I still pray that I am not a burden on people and that I am not someone who people have to try hard to love and get along with. I also pray that if I am, people will tell me- even though it will hurt beyond belief- people will tell me.
I still have a long way to go and I don’t think I will ever shake these feelings, but I do try to ignore them more now and not to let them ruin my life.
posted by Mel M at Saturday, May 21, 2005
2 Comments:
I dont think you are annoying. In fact, to be perfectly honest, I cant really see how you have that opinion of yourself. I do however know that we can have weird ideas about ourselves which are very far from the truth.
In fact, I have a good idea. Whenever you think you are annoying. Think of how far from the truth it is when I say that I am not a nice person and apply it to you.
Hope it helps.
Stu
Thanks, I think it goes back to what you were saying about assuming the worst. It comes from a long time of thinking and believing it (though I dont get it from my family- I am very lucky that way) I have had it from most other places- I still thank God that he made us and I have no right to doubt his creations.
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